Well, I haven't written here in a while. It'd be easy to say it's because of how stressful things are right now, but that would be an excuse. If I'm being honest with you all, I've been scared to go too deep since one of my blogs blew up in my face when it was taken personally by people I never even named. But I've decided it's time to stop being scared to share how I feel on my own personal blog, so here I am (even if I am a bit scared to hit that "publish" button). After all, as Taylor Swift said, "Snakes and stones never broke my bones, so...you need to calm down." And admitting that plays into what I want to talk about today, which if it isn't obvious from the quote, is another Taylor Swift song (though not the one I just quoted).
I have wanted to write on "I Forgot That You Existed" since I first heard it when Taylor's "Lover" album dropped last year. The song starts out with Taylor admitting that she's caught up remembering how someone hurt her and realizing it was controlling her thoughts ("free rent living in my mind") until suddenly she just forgot that this person existed. Throughout the song, the verses feel heavy as she recalls how she was hurt before entering the chorus with a much lighter feeling in her forgetting them. Now, let's be real for a minute. We all know Taylor hasn't actually forgotten anyone or anything that they did. If you know anything about the result of her "cancellation" back in 2016, you know that it destroyed her mental health. (If you don't know, I highly recommend you watch "Miss Americana" on Netflix.) You don't just forget that someone made you feel so low that you literally just disappeared and considered ending the career you worked so hard to create since childhood. Instead, I feel Taylor teaches a great lesson on letting go of sitting in the mess of it. She made a decision, whether consciously or not, to simply move on. She didn't seek revenge, didn't stay in that dark place for too long (though I'm glad it gave us the "reputation" album), she just found a way to live life without that dragging her down anymore. I must mention what I feel is probably the most important lyric of the song: "I thought that it would kill me but it didn't." She wasn't worried that the hurt inflicted is what would kill her, but the forgetting! She thought if she let go of that feeling then what? She lost? She wasn't strong? Who knows! But the point is that she realized it didn't hurt her to let go. It helped her. And it felt GOOD. On that same note, she says several times throughout the song "it isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference." Because when she stopped letting the situation define her, there was no more positive or negative surrounding it, it's just there.* Which leads me to the bridge. Taylor says "I forgot that you sent me a clear message, taught me some hard lessons, I just forget what they were. It's all just a blur." I personally read her tone in this part as sarcastic. I feel it's her way of acknowledging that she did in fact learn very hard lessons (perhaps about forming strong boundaries? oh, wait, maybe that was just me.) while not letting herself stay stuck in what brought her to that lesson. Like the indifference statement, she's accepting the fact of the situation without attaching a strong positive or negative emotion to it. Oh man, the amount of times I have found myself in the exact same situation. Stuck in a loop, replaying events, searching for red flags I missed, and wondering WHY yet another friend flipped on me when I tried to be the best friend I could be--and I just CANNOT let it go, for only God knows why. But, inevitably, there comes a day when I will be going about my business and something reminds me of someone and I realize I'm not trapped anymore. I have forgotten they exist. At the end of the day, it isn't even about the person or what they did anymore. It's about your own thoughts and your broken patterns trapping you. It's like having a storm raging in your brain that you can't quiet because you know you shouldn't even be in that mental place, but you are. So when the memories get triggered, and you realize you weren't in the storm for any given amount of time, it is a freeing feeling. Like the music accompanying the chorus, it's light! Taylor's giggles as she says she forgot they existed isn't her laughing at the person, it's her relief! And when I listen to this song to help me break my own destructive cycle, I can't help but giggle right along with her. I am free! I'll be honest with you all, I still periodically get trapped letting people live rent free in my mind when something triggers a bad memory, and I would be shocked to hear if Taylor didn't, too. But the thing is that now, I know I'm doing it and I can take the steps I need to pull myself out of that loop and go back to forgetting. (Honestly, listening to the song helps.) So here's to us forgetting that those who have hurt us exist. "It isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference....so, yeah..." *shout out to Blake Walker for pointing that bit out to me. my Taylor blogs would never be complete without his Swiftie input.
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AuthorHello! I'm Lindsey. I'm a writer with a ton of random thoughts bouncing around in my head. So I share them here in hopes that they reach others with these thoughts. Archives
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