To dream in brown and gold.

On the elevator after my English 102 class, a UPS man boards along with a dolly holding one small box. Looking at this man in all brown, I can't help but wonder two things: a) why does he need a dolly for such a small box and b) what does one have to go through to determine that their dream job is being a UPS man? What possesses him to think that driving a box-like truck that's the same color as the uniform would be amazing? My sister says that it probably wasn't their dream job. Then what was? How did they end up doing this?

Personally, I'm afraid of UPS men. The reason being that while on vacation in the Olympic Pennisula of Washington, a UPS guy dreamed of shooting us. We (my friend Kelsey and I) were driving from Forks to Port Angeles and we happened to be behind a rather slow-moving UPS truck. As most drivers would, she wanted to pass him. She kept veering to the left to see if she could, but was too nervous about the mountainous curves in the road. After a few times of checking, she decided it would just be better to wait it out (as annoying as it was). A little way down the highway, the UPS truck went off his exit to the weigh center (which I swear was closed). Being the type of person that always watches the scenery out the window while riding in a car, I happened to be staring in the truck's general direction when we passed it. That's when I saw it. The UPS man was targeting us with his fingers shaped like a gun and did the little "pow" movement of pulling back his hand. I turned to Kelsey and asked her if saw that. She said no, so I ahd to replay the events. Needless to say, we were a little uneasy driving down the relatively empty highway knowing that this pretend serial killer guy was behind us. And go figure, I was wearing my tye-dye shirt that day. I was an easy target.

Thankfully, he never came after us, but to this day we are both uneasy when a UPS truck drives by. Creepily enough, in one of our pictures, the truck can be seen a fe cars ahead of us.

Despite this serial-killer-esque driver, I ahve to appreciate not only UPS men, but all delivery men. Without them, my addiction to eBay would be pointless. How would I get my "Christmas," as Kelsey and I call getting packages, without a delievery man of some sort?

Actually, that brings up a good point. Maybe eBay and other Internet shipping websites are what drives a UPS man to become a UPS man. Maybe they really wanted to be like Santa Claus (Which does not have an 'e' a the end. Thanks a lot, Disney.), but obviously couldn't, so became UPS men. I hope they find brown more appealing than red. If not, they must have a sad life. Though they could always switch to DHL. Either way, they bring the joy of Christmas to lame people like me year round. So, thanks, delivery men and women!

But that's just a theory. I still don't know why UPS men want to be UPS men. Is brown their favorite color? Do they enjoy cardboard boxes THAT much?

It's times like these that I wish I could call up Doug Heffernan from King of Queens. Since he's a UPS (well, IPS) man, he'd know why he became one! Unfortunately, he's not real and I don't know any other UPS men.

I guess this will be a mystery left unanswered, much like the "How many licks does it take to get to the center of the tootsie pop?" mystery before that episode of Unwrapped on The Food Network, which showed that it actually takes 211 licks.